My roommate and I were discussing the role of self-talk in our lives. By self-talk I am referring to the process each of us experience when we try to convince ourselves that we have certain characteristics or the ability to act in a certain way. I believe negative self-talk is always bad, but I have yet to reach a satisfactory judgment on seemingly positive self-talk.
The reasons for my hesitations are as follows: Our brains are very powerful tools. We have the power to convince ourselves of something until it becomes reality in our own minds. I use this technique every time I perform. I tell myself that I'm fully prepared, that I'm completely comfortable and confident on stage, that the audience is entranced by my playing, etc. I also must do a lot of self-talk in order to have the courage to publish my writing on this blog because I am self conscious about my writing skills and analytical capabilities. This kind of self-talk can be beneficial by suppressing destructive fears and fostering feelings of psychological freedom that allows us to develop and progress in ways we otherwise wouldn't.
On the other hand, however, I feel that it is extremely dangerous to convince ourselves that something is a reality when it's not. One of my favorite quotes from www.despair.com comes to mind: "Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are just idiots." Contextually this statement is satiric and sardonic, but I think there is some truth in it. If you aren't good at math, no self-talk is going to get you an A in multi-variable calculus. If you are 5 feet tall, telling yourself repeatedly that you can "dunk like Jordan if you just keep working at it" is less than recommended. I could talk myself into believing that I could be a supermodel by the world's standard, but it would be pointless and possibly harmful. In cases such as these, isn't it better to be realistic about what you've got and seek contentment?
2 years ago
7 comments:
Ok ok, being the roomate I feel I must respond. I agree that convincing oneself of something that is completely unrealistic is a waste of time, and can actually be dangerous. However, the conflict comes in the definition of reality. Who determines what is real? Reality is a very complex concept. I'll use looks as an example; I have often pondered what I really look like, because the only way I can see myself is through a reflector such as a mirror, some sort of lens or other's eyes- all of which change from mirror to mirror, camera angle to camera angle, and person to person. While in one mirror I look tall and thin, another projects me as short and fat. How am I to know what I look like? I believe combining all your sources is the best bet. If several people tell me I look tall, then perhaps I should believe them. In the non-physical sense: if ones writing skills, musical abititude, or analytical abilites are praised by multiple people- I think one is being unrealistic if they continually tell themselves contrary to public opinion- and infact convincing themselves of the unrealistic. The previous is, in actuallity, an arguement against negative or false self-talk.
I am also a huge believer in positive or optimistic self-talk, I believe that few people live up to their full capacity in most areas of their lives. I think we could all be more intelligent, more spiritual, more social and more just about everything else if we would give a bit more time and effort to become so- none of us have reached perfection. Thus by participating in self-talk, you may be convicing yourself of something unrealistic at the time being, but what you are really doing is applying future projections of yourself now. If you tell yourself you can only run one mile, even if that is the current status of your athletic ability, it is not the condition of your potential ability, and thus by making such strong claims you are preventing yourself from progressing, which is essentially the purpose of this earth. I believe in the mind over body- or probably more accurately spirit over mind.
-The roomate
Kjirsti my darling!! Thanks for your resopnse. I miss you TONS and TONS!!
I think you are right. I am giving in more and more into your perspective on this self-talk issue. I've been mulling it over in my mind for about a week or so now and I think it does a lot more good than harm. I now, however, have another concern to pose. My sister, Katie, if I'm understanding her correctly, believes that prayer is nothing more than self-talk. Our prayers are "answered" because they cause us to focus on something until we solve it or become it ourselves. I've pondered this on many occasions and wondered, what is it that makes prayer more than a daily dose of self-talk? For me, it comes down to one main difference: when I am engaged in self-talk, even if it is positive, I often find myself frustrated and overwhelmed by the tasks ahead. When I'm contemplating in prayer, however, I am often consumed by a feeling of peace and clarity of thought. The consistency of this feeling and my present inability to manufacture it outside of humble supplication to my Heavely Father, testifies that prayer is real, greater, and infinitly more precious than mere self-talk. I think this is what you, Kjirsti, were referring to at the end of your comment when you said, "more accurately spirit over mind."
Mary was so excited when she heard me telling a friend about negative self-talk that I have to comment- but Mary- we should still discuss in real life ;)
I am a HUGE believer in the power of self talk. I agree with Mary's roommie, and I would like to add on a different note:
Self Talk also includes how you describe yourself to others, in a formal setting or just in passing comments. My friend Brian is always reminding me that I have negative self talk when we discuss my life. I am constantly telling him I am not as smart, clever, pretty, kind, etc., etc. as others or even not compared to others, just in comparison to what I want to be. I think it tells alot about a person to analyze and notice their self talk in relation to others. That said- I really do know that I'm a good person, I think I am just critical of myself and want to improve SO much in almost every aspect of my life!
It's also interesting to hear the self talk of a friend/family member around different people. I can talk like I do around Brian because I know he will support me, and keep my eyes open to my potential and the reality he sees (which is pretty much always better than what I see), but I can't do that around my step-father because he just quickly dismisses it or gets bugged with me.
In relation to our personal, inside self talk- I think it can be a powerful tool in motivating us to move outside of our box and experience/try new things. It is dangerous when the talk is focused on the negative and you never talk about what you're feeling/thinking/saying to yourself with another person, one who has an outside perspective. I've see a friend go from being VERY depressed to feeling himself come out of that, feeling better just by talking out his thoughts with me, and me (with permission to give comments and advice, because I'm also a firm believer in just listening) giving my opinion on things. Also- I think for me at least- talking out loud with someone, even without them saying anything helps us see our thoughts better, and recognize the good parts, and the bad patterns.
WOW, long sorry. This is a great topic!
Maybe I'm not well versed in your definition of "self talk" but, from what I've gathered there is a psychological perspective that I have some to agree more and more with in my study. It seems that self talk and making things reality is the basis for our typical understandings of mental disorders. Obsessive Cumplusive Disroder (OCD), for example is one excellent example. For most sufferers it starts as a worry about something small, "I think I forgot to turn off the oven." Once they have let that worry mull over andover in their brain it becomes consumming and they have to turn the oven on and off a certain number of times everytime they use it, and then every time they leave the house, and then everytime they go into the kitchen. Pretty soon, it becomes really disruptive to their everyday lives. And that is how we diagnose a disorder, if it disrupts a normal life in such a way that it is harmful to the person. For the sufferer it becomes almost an addiction. Their chemicals have changed in their brain and throughout their body that make medications sometimes necessary. They need therapy sessions to relearn a "normal" or "healthy" way to approach to using the oven. But it all starts with accepting a certain self talk. And then continues when that self talk has become reality.
For these people, the self talk was neither potive or negative as so easily categorized by others. It was simply a genuine concern about something. When do you know when to stop self talk? How do you know when you've let it go to far? How do you categorize it into positive or negative? These kinds of questions I think are what we struggle with our own self talk. Rather than look prideful, we downplay our abilities. Rather than look inept, we exaggerate our abilities.
In answer to the prayer being nothing but positive self talk, I've seen and researched some of the religion psychology. And yes arguements could be made for and against the real existance of God and miracles. However, living my particular religion, I find something different than what is discussed in texts. I find feelings I can't recreate myself without inviting the spirit. I find physical symptoms when something is wrong and the spirit is gone. I don't think we can create God, but I do think he only reveals Himself to those truly seeking Him.
Whew- I am new to this blogging thing, I fear I am getting hooked-especially to a blog as thought provoking as this. Kimi, I liked what you had to say about the extent to which we can self talk- those that are best at self talk are, I would say, also those who are most susceptable for mental disorders. I have often thought I could be anorexic (sp?) Not because I am excessively paranoid about my weight, but rather because I have a sort of obsession for self control. So yes, Moderation in all things.
In response to the prayer issue, I would say that my personal experience, while being similar to the previously stated examples and their spiritual nature- is also very different in that I am very aware when I am self talking- It is rather forceful. Again I'll use the example of running, when I start into the last half of a mile on a 5k, my body tells me to just stop and walk, and I- very much I- have to tell myself to continue. However, when experiencing true prayer (and I wouuld say there are various levels- some which are meerly self talk as Heavenly Father is really never invited to the conversation, while others are definately composed of two individuals) the sort of talk that is introduced into my mind- is not my own. Example: When trying to decide which college to attend, I was praying fervently day and night begging Heavenly Father to help me know where I should go. No answer came. The deadline to respond was drawing nigh and I was beginning to feel very anxious. One night I stayed up late researching Oberlin online. I read all sorts of articles- many of which reported the very liberal environment that was present there, it brought me to tears as I read through the carnalish nature of this school I had strongly considered. My whole mind, soul, and body now abhorred the place- I could even bear to think of going there. That night as I prepared for bed, I told God that I wouldn't go to Oberlin- that I had made up my mind. The next morning however, I felt impressed to do a bit more research about the school, I didn't want to, I had made up my mind- why waste my time? But I did. I called the Bishop of the local ward and was referred to Steve Huff, and LDS professor there. As soon as I got off with the Bishop, Ms. Mahy a vocal professor from Oberlin called-"Just to see if I had any concerns or questions regarding the school." Following her call I called Steve Huff- and from there everything just fell in place- and I had this overwhelming feeling of peace- this assurance that it would be okay, that I should go to Oberlin. That wasn't me self-talking myself into the answer, I had made up my mind the night before- but what I had decided on wasn't what was right for me and thus the Lord interceeded and helped me out. Prayer is real, I testify of that.
How blessed I have been for Kjirsti's prayers and willingness to submit to the will of our Heavenly Father!!!
Mary's last comment about viewing reality just the way it is sparked an idea I have long considered to be of import: humility, what it is, and it's effect on our thoughts. I think most of us would like to believe that we are humble or at least striving to be so. Often, humility is thought of in a manner which gives people license to embrace negative self-talk both in public and private settings. We seem to think that if we downplay our abilities and take no credit for accomplishments we portray humility. The more I contemplate on this subject, the more I come to understand that true humility is recognizing things exactly as they are. Be proud if you're a good artist, musician, or friend. Be happy that God has given you an opportunity to partake of some of His light. How ungrateful is it of us to disregard those precious talents which God would have us recognize? I think each of us must come to a full understanding of who we are. Me must comprehend not only that we are divinely created, but we must recognize perfectly our strengths and our weaknesses. As we embrace truth, coupled with love we embrace humility and self-talk becomes nothing but mere observation.
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