It is hard to blog these days. I don't want to write about my baby because nobody really cares except for me, but my whole life revolves around her right now. I could write about my emotions regarding the changes that have occurred since her coming, but in print it sounds so depressing and awful when reality is not. Oh well. Here goes anyway. While I was pregnant I read an article about studies relating to the happiness of women with and without children. The article said that studies routinely concluded that women without children were happier than women with children. It was too late for me (even though I had a inkling that might be true before I embarked on this crazy journey that has no escape route). However, women with children fiercly protest that they are happier because they had children and many women without children believe they would be happier if they had had children. The whole thing is screwy and if we had an acurate way to measure happiness we could know "the truth." In the meantime I've had a child. The verdict is still out (and may always be) whether I feel more or less happy. I love my little girl endlessly, but life has become much more complicated since she arrived. My marriage is certainly not what it used to be. I never play my violin anymore. I'm exhausted nearly all the time. I'm more resentful, more lonely, less productive, more apt to veg in front of the T.V., more likely to read an "easy read" (if I get a minute to do so) than delve into great literature, more disorganized, live in more clutter, dread things I used to love like cooking, going for a run, or shopping. (I told you it all sounds like such a downer in print. (Hence the study findings?)) Yet here is this sweet angel that I get to hold in my arms, who needs me, responds with unadulterated glee at the sight of me, who reaches out to me and puts her little lips on my cheek to give me kisses. Very little of these turns of events was unexpected. The biggest surprise about having a baby so far (besides childbirth itself) is how little men do when it comes to baby. Oh, how little men do.*
*I realize this is a massive generalization, but there was a recent study to back it up. The study found that men who think that baby duties should be split between men and women spend on average just 4 more minutes a day with baby then men who think it's women's work. Just sayin'.